[10-25-08] Bad Daydreams

[1:20pm]
     We drove all the way down to Stanford to find out that my infusion was scheduled for Sunday, not Saturday! Whoops! We were told, most recently, that the appointment was Saturday, but you've always got to double check everything... be ever vigilant with health care.
     There was those times my cisplatin dose was less than required... and the countless times I've had to specify that it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma, not non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

     On another subject, my hair is starting to grow back quite rapidly. My head no longer feels smooth, but scruff -- the change is nice. And I've got my chin hairs back! Still... I don't like it. I want maintain my chemo intensity.
     In addition, I had some trouble sleeping last night because I was itching furiously. Still, the itch persists. It's the all-too-familiar Hodgkin's coming back to taunt me and remind me that he's still there. Persistent little bugger.

     Now, maybe it's because my spirits have been a bit low lately... But, with the itch coming back, it feels like all this has been for nothing. 8 months of small chemo; doing nothing but making the tumor more resistant to chemo. Bah.

     Then, I always ask myself: What if the BMT doesn't kill the tumor? or... What if, after a successful BMT, the tumor returns?
     I start to daydream about that possible future... I'd like to think I'd spend my last days bartending on the Galapagos islands, but that's not really me -- is it?
     I'd probably jump from clinical study to clinical study, subjecting myself to all sorts of interesting drugs in order to extend life. Then there's be the last-ditch allogeneic (bone marrow from someone else) transplant.
     I wouldn't really accomplish my dreams, I suppose. I'd have to cancel grad school to accomodate treatment. Or, if I ignored treatment entirely, would I really be able to afford grad school? Or, for that matter, would it even make sense?
     So, I'd settle for a job in the here and now. Instead of learning graphics programming, AI, and general video game programming, I'd focus on more practical (in-demand) skills such as database programming, and network programming. That type of programming is actually a bit easier for me, so I'd be able to be marketable relatively soon.
     So, I'd get a low-paying programming job. Which would be great, for a time... but then the illness would present a problem. Treatment may have to be intensified, and I'd probably be unable to work and go on disability or something.
     At this time, I'd feel like I have to contribute to society somehow. I mean, I haven't had my programming job long enough to make real substantial developments that would benefit many. So, maybe I'd start writing a novel... or composing a piece of music... something to leave behind.
     Too bad I'm infertile and didn't have enough time to become financially capable of starting a family. That's always been my primary goal in life. A meaningful career I love and enjoy comes in second. To lose both... sucks.
     Given that possibility, how should I act now?

     Anyhow, I'll stop there. That's my career/goals daydream, I also have a relationship one, but that's a bit more depressing. Then there's a bucket-list one, a cancer-survivor one, the ultra happy one, and more. I daydream a lot. Good or bad, these are my daydreams, and I'm not ashamed of them. I'm not trying to focus on the negative or anything, but this is what I'm thinking, and I promised to write what I'm thinking... And with the itching returning, I've been thinking about the negative possibilities.


     On an entirely different note, there was a glitch in my re-admission process which caused it to be delayed by 5 days. And, as luck would have it, all the classes I need or that would be practical have been filled. So I'm waitlisted for all my classes -- yet more to stress about.
     Hence the bad mood. Excuse me.