[9-12-08] I Don't Have Cancer...

[4:56pm]
     I'm sorry to admit, but this has all been a charade. I don't actually have cancer. All of this has been a drastic attempt for attention.
     Remember those visits to the cancer center? Well, I just walked in and snuck out the back when no one was with me. I watched a lot of movies at the theater during my so-called "Stanford V" regimen.
     I faked everything: the nausea, the hair loss, the fatigue, even the port-a-cath. It was all handled by some fancy make-up, good acting, and a lot of shaving.
     As for the surgeries and hospitalizations, the answer was good old-fashioned bribery. The nurses were acting all along. The scary-looking bags of chemo were actually saline. Lots and lots of saline -- that's all I got during my ICE treatments. The pills were all either acetaminophen or sugar.
     The surgeries? The surgeons were a bit more expensive to bribe, but they came around... and were happy to have a lighter workload. During my "procedure," the nurses and I usually sat around the surgical table playing Go-Fish until my time was up. Er.... ok, that's taking it a bit far.

Hmm...

     How about: Conspiracy Theory

     They're all in on it. The doctors, nurses, specialists... they're all in on it.
     The itching I've had over the past three years? A simple irritant added to my laundry detergent. What about occasionally being able to feel my "tumor?" Interesting how that began only after your invasive biopsy. Ever wonder why your surgical scar seems unnecessarily large? They installed some sort of surgical plastic during the procedure.
     Everything else can be explained by forging medical reports. How does one know that the x-ray or CT scan is really theirs? I'm not taking the pictures myself -- how do I *really* know?
     As for the chemo -- it did'nt actually contain chemotherapy agents. Instead, a small amount of nausea-producing chemicals are added to saline. Same thing for the hair loss, and other side-effects.

     So why would they do this?

     It's a type of generalized immunotherapy. An extremely small percentage of the population are immune to cancer. Well, not exactly -- they can still *get* cancer, but once they become aware of it, their body fights it off.
     Many attempts have been made to extract these cells and use them to create a cure. Unfortunately, once the cancer is present, the cells become polarized to that particular host and their type of cancer. The cells are ineffectual in another body. If a person with the right genetic make-up is found and they do not have cancer, then none of these cells are present.
     Somehow, these cells become activated only if the host truly believes that they have cancer. So, in order to create a cure, the researchers must find a person with the right genetics who also truly believes that they have cancer.
     Years of studies were conducted. In the traditional manner, participants in these studies signed consent forms indicating the nature of the experiments... in a nutshell, that they may be "lied to." Accordingly, when healthy participants were told that they had cancer, they were somewhat suspicious. As a result, no useful results were obtained. After years of these studies, the researchers involved concluded that there was no ethical way to find this cure.

     Hence, myself, and their non-ethical methods. But I'm on to them, I *know* I don't have cancer... which in a way, is sad. On one hand, I don't have cancer. On the other, I do have cancer (or at least think I do), but can be useful for cancer research.



     Ok, enough science fiction. Everything above this, in this post, is completely false. They are just daydreams... fantasies that swim across my consciousness when I'm dealing with something especially hard.
     It's amazing how far your mind will wander when you let it. :P

     As for reality... Last night was an absolutely terrible night. My nighttime cough, usually resolved by a few gulps of numbing mouthwash, would just not go away. So I just coughed for hours and hours and hours, occasionally drifting momentarily into slumber... to be harshly awakened my more coughing.
     The weird part is that I don't cough during the day. I'm not coughing now, but I coughed at a rate of about 1 per minute last night.
     Wherefore art thou enteroscopinologist? :P