[7-31-08] Delusional Optimism

[3:54am]
     I'd like to demonstrate a little known strategy known as "Delusional Optimism." That, combined with several other, uh, peculiar aspects of my personality enable an unprecedented amount of satisfaction from the most terrible of things... and the more crazy you are, the better it works.
     For example, consider a patient who just experienced some nausea due to the first day of treatment on a new chemotherapy regimen. A sane person might say, "this sucks." Rightly so. A delusional optimist, however, will be pleased because he feels that the chemotherapy is "working well" if he notices unpleasant side effects (delusional), even if countless literature indicates that this absolutely not true . The optimist then kicks in, and because of the delusion, begins to feel that "everything will turn out ok" because of all this. It's a very effective way stroll through many of life's difficulties -- I'm thinking of Bullwinkle's famed innocent ignorance, here (which is a similar, albeit different strategy).
     Ok, we now return to your regularly scheduled program...

     Woohoo, I'm feeling some nausea!!
     I just had some ativan to combat the nausea, and it will help me combat this darn insomnia. I've only had three hours sleep: I keep having nightmares where I read a study which clearly indicates that the doses and scheduling of my ICE treatment were clearly ineffectual. Doctors are unavailable on the phone or email, nurses insist on continuing with set treatment... stuff like that.

[8:00am]
     Just got my CT scan. They left me in a waiting room for a bit, so I had time to practice my freestyle wheelchair moves. It takes a lot of effort to move one of those around! If I didn't have the ICE-machine on the back, I would have tried some wheelies.
     I had to drink this odd contrast material so that the CT machine could see my organs and whatnot, then the proceed to inject me with the IV dye -- my favorite part! Toasty :P
     I know I'm not supposed to shower with an accessed port, but to hell with that! That's gross! I'm trying to smuggle some soap from the hand cleaner, and use a spare blanket for a towel :P

[3:10]
     Just started chemo again, and at terrible timing. I took a nap around 2:00pm; well, when I seem to wake up, I have some moderate nausea. The key is to move as little as possible when you call for the nurse. Strange how, nausea with the Stanford V was way more mild and way more predictable. This type disappears, ebbs and flows, or goes from mild to something tougher if you make the wrong movement. But I'm confident the anti-nausea meds will do the trick: Ativan Zolfran, and the killer Emmend. I think they've just been giving me ativan until now.
     Anyhow, bad timing I think. Nausea so close to *more* chemo, and just as I'm recovering, the chaplain walks in. I'm prepared for all sorts of religious stuff, but he just calmly professes "spiritual comfort" when I state my, uh, "nondenominational and individualistic spiritualism." I tell him that I basically do not want to "go there" at this point, maybe if things get more pessimistic, but I invite him to sit down and have a chat about anything in particular (For some reason, I'm starving for conversation around here. My nurse Alicia is a gem). So, I basically talk about my past and my current situation... from diagnosis to where I'll be in a few months. Nice guy. If only chaplains were ministers, we'd have way more mello religion.

[4:29pm]
Barbara's coming, and I think Liz too! Yay, a visit! I didn't realize how social I'd find myself in here.