Now what?

"Austin's personality causes him to moderate feelings of happiness, so that he does not feel like he is making the mistake of assuming that things will remain good forever. This is not pessimism, but rather a desire to have his emotional state be rational and acceptable to his intellect."

A quote from one of Barbara's comments. It perplexes me that I cannot deny or verify this... it has the scent of truth, though. Is my level of self-awareness sub-par, or are there insights that aren't so readily available from the inside looking out. I think maybe neither: Barbara just knows me pretty damn well.


Anyways... I'm doing well; getting back into the swing of school. It's funny how school is like a trampoline wall -- the harder you push, the harder it pushes back. Sure, I can make it through school with an easy push... but I *want* to work hard right now... I *need* to... and school, it's pushing back.

But that is what is so great about school. You can *never* do enough studying, so there's always something to do. It's not like a movie or video game -- when it ends, you say to yourself: "Now what?" With learning, it just doesn't end.

I've pretty much forgotten the whole cancer thing. All it means, at this moment, is getting up at a dreadfully early hour and getting zapped for a few minutes. 8 more to go and I'm done.

I get the feeling that this sort of victory is anticlimactic. Funny, that.

As for my memories. Everything was relatively easy, except for the BMT.
The BMT is something I just want to forget forever -- except for those beautiful moments that make me feel love. I remember Barbara playing Chopin on her laptop... talking with Liz via my computer... watching her knit... watching Barbara knit... and, of course, many moments with my Mom. But most especially when she wheeled me outside, late at night, when I was low. Those moments make me smile. They also make me feel guilty for not expressing my love enough... for not excessively iterating my appreciation, gratitude, and love.

But, with the good comes the bad. I try to forget, but whenever I think about it in detail, I end up in an emotional funk for the rest of the evening. Thank god I have a few beers in the fridge and an episodes of House and 24 coming up.

Lastly, now that I have distanced myself from Stanford, I can do what I've always wanted:

Austin's Review of Stanford Hospital
Not being an expert, I can only draw from my experiences from a non-Academic hospital (Alta-Bates) and Stanford.

Surgery:
Stanford: D-
     (Surgeries Done: Port Removal, Hickman1, Hickman2)All surgeries were painful and I remember most of the procedure reporting the pain. There was also that time where the nurses were dancing/singing and acting irresponsibly -- they even tried to get me, a drugged patient, to sing. Also, my first Hickman catheter was not installed right and needed to be replaced. But they eventually got it right.
Alta Bates: A
     (Surgeries Done: 2 Biopsies, Port Placement) Surgery was a snap; I remember very little, and felt no pain. No complaints!

Inpatient:
Stanford: D
     (Inpatient for Chemo, BMT) Some of the nurses were great, some of the nurses weren't as attentive, some just had plain attitude problems. I think, generally speaking, they were understaffed or something. Also, I (and my mom) caught *many* medical slip-ups. The doctors knew their stuff; they did good.
Alta Bates: A+
     (Inpatient for ICE) The nurses were AWESOME. Everyone was super friendly and on top of their game. I had the room to myself for both occasions. The only fault is on the referring doctor, for not submitting the chemo orders on time, but that's not their fault.


So, in conclusion, and based on my experiences...
STANFORD HOSPITAL SUCKS

Ah, it feels good to say that. I felt I would jinx myself if I said that while I was visiting campus. Now maybe their treatment did a better job of getting rid of cancer than anywhere else... but if I could do it all over, I'd get my BMT at Alta Bates. Hopefully, of course, on the same regimen.

Ok, enough for now. Bye.